I’ve been told to finish my travel book since my first week back home.
To be honest, I didn’t finish doing it on purpose. It was way beyond being lazy and being too occupied because truth be told, I had all the time in the world but I decided not to bother explaining myself to anyone since my reasons might be out of the context of simply putting together thousands of pictures in mini booklets and let them become reminders of how my life away has been.
I didn’t do it right away because I was afraid to let it go and also because “travel” isn’t exactly the word I had in mind to describe my life in France. Browsing through thousands and thousands of memories in my external drive, I can’t help but stop somewhere in the middle, with my “travel book” folder half full, containing already 900 photos, and I’m not even halfway there. I can’t help but think that this is almost impossible to do. How can I put a life in groups of pictures? How can I possibly put captions into memories that are impossible to put into words? I was wondering if anyone is capable of doing it. The postcard-perfect pictures of tourist spots aren’t the most fascinating to see again, rather, it’s really the little things that I was too afraid to look back to since July last year.
I was afraid to see group pictures taken while having coffee in Jaude or having lunch with my school friends. I was afraid to see random selfies that I can vividly remember how I took. I was afraid to be reminded of the little things that made my year away the best that it could possibly be. I was just too afraid to be longing for people and places that I know I won’t be seeing again soon. Reality, I guess, isn’t just my best friend.
Then this day had to come. I was re-watching random to very important videos that show me people I couldn’t possibly forget. I had to go through each and every photo, examine if they would fit into the limit of the travel book company. Impossible. The best photos are the ones that actually made no sense, the ones that showed reality. Those blurry and indescribable photos that were products of craziness. From Clarisse, Clem, Becca, Jocy, Pierre, and everybody else who got a hold on my phone. They took the photos I was too afraid to look at. Nobody would understand how difficult it is to know that some of the best people in your life are too far to reach. Yes, the oceans in between are too wide to cross.
It wasn’t a year in a life, it was a life in a year. This quote is everything. This describes why it’s almost impossible to relive moments from a computer screen.
Being an exchange student is both a blessing and a curse so when they tell you to make the most out of it, remember that there are consequences. There will be moments like this that you won’t be able to
identify what you’re feeling. Sad, anxious, longing seem to be understatements. You would want to have someone to talk to, but you will most probably be afraid to open up for the nth time, a problem that only you could understand. The world has moved on from the year that you were away. Your country is already used to having you back. It’s terrifying to think that you might tire people from listening to stories they thought you already got over with.
And the worst of it all.
They will make you finish that travel book.
It will break you. Piece by piece.
You will miss people.
You will reminisce.
You will again go through a process of acceptance.
I will not be able to finish this today. Maybe not even next week. I’m contemplating whether or not I should sort my photos by country, but honestly, I’d rather have it in a single book. I don’t care if I’ll forget when and where I took these photos. I will make a book, and it’s not going to be about the places I’ve been to. The pictures will speak of my life. It will be a mess, I’m sure, but it’s going to be beautiful, and maybe not everybody should understand the dilemma behind it.
One day, I will have the courage to browse through my photos again.
And I know that it’s not going to be any easier.
