We were warned that our exchange year will be one amazing roller coaster ride before we even started. I don't even know why I started to write this, but I felt the need to do so.
I actually think my emotions are going a little bit down lately because my birthday is coming up, and I am fully aware that this is so normal. But you know what, of all the things that I am starting to realize about life or this exchange year, the thought of actually being a year older haunts me today, simply because I'm having the time of my life and time is running a little too fast. I will celebrate my 3rd month in this beautiful country 11 days from now and I barely even felt the days pass by.
Sometimes I'm sad, though I try my best not to think too much, but I can't help it. Sometimes I'm happy, well, most of the time I am. Sometimes, the thought of missing the Philippines is tolerable, but after three months, sometimes, it still isn't. I think life is really like that. We are too busy making things worthwhile that we cannot feel the time running right in front of us. I hate the thought of being 17 actually. It makes me one year away from being 18 and I can vividly remember myself a few years ago imagining what I'll do when I reach that age.
Maybe this is the reason why I'm sent to this country, not because I'm not ready to deal with the culture, the people or the language, but maybe because, I am, after all, scared of something. I need to learn the things that I'm currently learning because I can't always be afraid to grow a little older. I remember what my 6th grade teacher said about getting old, he said that it makes you a little wiser as well.
I can't really say that the things around me convinced me well that it's not a problem to be older, but really, I guess I can readily admit that I still am my family's baby. Even if I am the eldest of us four and of all mama and papa's grandchildren, I still don't like the thought of being a so close to the "legal age". I guess I am weird, all of the teenagers nowadays crave for aloneness, but me, I don't even want to have it.
This is actually very Filipino of me, being attached is very filipino in my perspective. I love it. Every time I feel the ache of thinking about the coming years or that pinch on my chest when I imagine my family every Sunday, It is my daily reminder of how well I was raised, of how beautiful my family is, and how remarkable my country is.
It actually became a habit to turn my sad nights to reasonable ones. And today, as I try not to be afraid of the coming years, I realized that, no matter how many miles you are away from the world you grew up in, no matter how impossible it seems to bring your culture to wherever you are, there will always be one thing that will make you feel like you're home, and that's the reality that you have your whole family beside you (Literally, every single one of them *wink*).
I am so blessed to be so nervous about growing up. I feel that deep connection with everything at home that makes me so hesitant to grow older. I should get over it, I know. I know that no matter how old I get, I have them all beside me. And for that, I am thankful. It makes me fear a little less. I should get over that unexplainable fear.
I miss home tonight, I hope it misses me too. I miss dad's speeches and wise advices, I miss having Mom beside me, fourth's basketball games, girl talk with chi and baby talk with fifth. I miss Papa's bed and Mama's church meetings. I miss Tita Mixen's Zagu treat, Tito Dy's prayer dance, Wayne's book talk and Hailey's feet. I miss Uncle Dax and his obsession over Volks, Tita Jing's pasta, and Dj, Wax and Nadine's lambing. I miss College talks with Uncle Dex, Tita Jingle's desserts, Zac's armpit and Xed's kakulitan. I miss Tita Net and her books, Tito Win's bible verses and Yana's hugs. I miss Tita Mil's songs, Tito Joel's jokes and Rj and Joms. I miss Tita Leng and her karekare, I miss Aila and Joaquin. I miss Tita Anne and her salon, I miss Tito Nogie's Caldereta, I miss Pacoy, Pipo and my almost-sister, Faith. I miss nights out with Ate Lau, Ate Claire and Ate Pie . I miss Nanay Lani and Biboy going to our house with Mac and Cheese, I miss late night talks with Tatay Ato. I miss my friends back home.
I don't know where my thoughts are heading to. I am literally typing exactly everything in my head. I am happy though.. Missing all of them drives me to learn more and experience more things. I like to talk, and I will definitely let all of them hear everything when I get home. I met so many people in such a short time. I have amazing friends from all over the world and an equally amazing French family. I am well treated in school and I have good friends there, too. I am pleased to experience the extremes of being happy and sad.
This is the thing about being an exchange student, you experience everything. It resembles so many things in life. You have to get by: You have to live :)
